Seek First to Understand
Thriving in the Workplace Series
In one of the most read books per the New York Times Best Seller of all time, Stephen Covey writes in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.”
I am currently working with a team on this aspiring practice and value. Covey’s intent is to get enough clear data to accurately diagnose what is needed BEFORE prescribing a solution. Covey says,
“Empathic listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart. You’re listening to understand. You’re focused on receiving the deep communication of another human soul.”
Ever been around a friend, family member, or neighbor that goes into reply mode as soon as you start to share a challenge? They may sound like this:
I get it. People want to be helpful. They want to share their experiences so you can solve the problem. In their excitement, they pull from their history and just like that, you went from expressing your frustrations over a tough challenge to the therapist that is listening to their story.
What does it feel like when you are sharing a challenge and someone goes into REPLY-MODE and you don’t feel understood? Perhaps sad, defeated, frustrate, or as one person said, “lonely”. And guess what?! You still have the same problem and have less clarity over understanding how to address it.
Why is seeking first to understand so vital in the workplace? To begin, we are human beings who work best with one another when there is deep understanding and trust. To really understand the other is hard work. It requires patience, listening, and slowing down. It requires us to put our critical thinking hat on and think about the other person’s experience.
Seeking to understand doesn’t mean that I agree with everything that is being said. It doesn’t mean that we have to have a therapy session in the hallway and express all of our feelings and emotions (although emotions work as a data to discern).
Seeking to understand means that I am going to slow down and listen without interrupting, saying something like, “tell me more” in order to properly hear what is being said. I might say,
“So you’re getting stuck in this part of the process…”
“Is this what I hear you saying?”
“What do you think we need to do about this?”
Small questions of intent will help us clarify what the other person is saying.
Reflection Questions
What gets in the way of good listening or understanding in a fast-paced environment like ours?
What’s one behavior you could try that might help you better understand before jumping in to be understood?
